Imported Halloween Candy

Me eating a Mexican lollipop: Is lead vegan?
My sister: Yeah! It doesn't have cow in it or anything. It's like an element or something.

She's so a-muse-ing.

Me: At the last Muse show, I was a few feet away from Jared Leto. He's such a douchebag, but he's so hot! It confuses my brain when I look at him.
Heather: You could just have angry sex with him.
---
Heather to random guy as she stumbles on the lawn: Don't laugh at me!! You're eating a hot dog by yourself!

The joys of parenting!

Me: I went to a bbq today. My friends were showing off their new baby. She was telling labor stories. I'm never having a baby.
Val: It's gross. To hell with that nonsense.
Me: I'm adopting for sure. Even if I'm a bad parent, I can always be like "well at least you have a mom and a home. I could have left you in an orphanage all your life"
Val: Haha, wow. At least you look at the bright side of everything. You will definitely be known as a devoted wife and mother.

I'm sure it's a common mistake!

Michelle: i'm going for an interview at the benefit office
Michelle: im SCARED
Michelle: i dont know what to wear
Michelle: something poor
Me: ooooh
Michelle: not make up
Michelle: the benefit office , like the govt office for welfare
Michelle: hahahah
Me: oh
Me: hahaha
Michelle: i like how i knew thats what you thought from one 'oooh'
Michelle: hahaha
Me: benefit = make-up!
Michelle: hahaha
Michelle: totally
Michelle: in the real world

FYI, I hate Nancy Grace more than anyone, ever.

This conversation took place at my job. I was on the phone with a customer. She was from Texas, thick accent and all. All I did was ask one question.

Me: So you want nautical gifts. Is sailing a hobby of his?
Customer: Oh not anymore, he's 86 now and his hobbies are very restricted. I don't understand why anyone would want to be on a boat. Hobbies like that are just boring for us ladies I guess. Those things are so dangerous too, you could never get me on one of those. People are getting thrown off those things all the time. Do you watch Inside Edition? They had a story about a couple who got thrown overboard from a cruise ship and left behind. People get murdered on boats all the time. You need to watch that show, it's so informative. Nancy Grace is great too. She goes out and fights for victims. She is an Angel. In all her years of practice as a lawyer she never lost a case. She does miraculous work.
Me: ...uh yeah. We don't have what you are looking for.

This a few weeks old, but whatever.

Me: Where are you guys going?
Cousin: My dad want's to take the baby to that circus that's in town.
Me: The one that the guy died at yesterday? The trapeze guy?
Cousin: I told him I don't think it will be open.
Me: Well yeah...
Cousin: But he just said the show must go on.
Me: ...

Hitting her with a newspaper isn't working either.

Me: The baby is getting potty trained.
Sister: How is that going?
Me: Well, she told Yvonne she had to pee, and when they took her to her little toilet thing she sat there, then got up and sat down one the floor and peed on the rug instead.
Sister: Did you rub her nose in it? That's the only way they'll learn.

Lunchtime Topics

Coworker: Your face looks skinnier.
Me: Thanks! I stopped eating.

Dinnertime Topics

my sister: Your neck looks skinnier.
me: Thanks! I haven't eaten all week.